It would appear that Joe Biden — the man who once defeated a greaser named Soda Pop with a pocket comb he had previously used to groom his hairy legs - will be El Presidente 46 after dispatching Satan himself, Donald J. Trump.
Of course, since it is 2020, that could change any minute. As of this week, Trump wasn’t going down without a fight – having filed lawsuits in multiple swing states that allege voter fraud.
It’ll be an uphill battle for The Don as the swamp has officially ejected him from the muck via a memo from Fox News, former head Trump cheerleading squad turned spurned lover.
So we’ll just go with what the electoral map looked like on Friday — a colorful blue and red portrait that tells us that after two failed presidential campaigns the man who shall henceforth be referred to as “The Comeback Kid,” recovered from a 4th place finish in the Iowa caucuses way back in 2019 to defeat Darth Trump and take back the White House for the good guys (depending on which political party butters your bread).
It was a miraculous victory secured despite Biden not answering one meaningful question from one reporter for almost a year, stumbling through his campaign rallies while reading from teleprompters and choosing a running mate, Kamala Harris, who in her short time in the U.S. Senate hasn’t managed to put her name to one single significant piece of legislation that has made it to a president’s desk.
And to top it all off Mr. Personality received the most votes for president in the history of the universe — beating even the tally secured by the anointed one Barack Obama.
It was a Disney movie complete with dancing, singing and Trump dolls for people to punch and kick. Thousands took to the street Saturday after the press announced Biden as the winner – Covid be damned – while smiling political pundits like Don Lemmon and Rachel Maddow could barely contain their unabashed joy at the news that they finally got the job done.
One guy on CNN (I don’t know his name, I haven’t watched CNN since that kid fell in the well way back in the 1980s), even sobbed like a child who stubbed his toe – no bias there.
The media, together with their favorite politicians, actors, and musicians, then took to the airwaves and social media proclaiming now is the time to come together as one happy family because surely we all can agree that everything wrong with America is Donald Trump’s fault – from homelessness to forest fires and everything in between.
According to those that write the news and those who wander the halls of Congress believing a $1,200 stimulus check is a fortune for the average working slob, it’s time for all of us to get on the same page – theirs.
But lost in all the hoopla was the fact that the world's worst racist also earned a record number of votes (for a sitting president) as throngs of uneducated deplorables showed up to the polls last week to push their Orange Man to victory.
That’s about 72 million people for those keeping track at home, which is 10 million more people than voted for Trump in 2016. It’s also three million more votes than Obama received in 2008 – when he was considered one of the most popular presidential candidates ever and to that point received the most votes in history, about 69.5 million.
So it’s safe to say a lot of people like Donald Trump and approved of the job he did as president – despite what the crying guy on CNN would have you believe.
The media, and some Democrats – and maybe even your mom or a close friend – would like to convince you that all of those Trump voters – or a good chunk of them – are either dumb or stupid, or some combination of both.
But the reality is most of them are just your friends and neighbors who have a different view of things and that’s OK. This is still America and we still have a freedom of choice – to this point anyway.
Or maybe I’m wrong about it all. Maybe we don’t have a choice. Maybe we all need to fall in line and pledge our allegiance to the new boss, who might be the same as the old boss, just dressed less like a wolf and more like a friendly grandpa with an inviting knee.
Maybe the Harris/Biden team will usher in a new day in America filled with flowers and birds and talking deer and electric buses and violence free streets policed by social workers.
If that’s true, I can’t wait for college loans to be forgiven and the Corona virus to be defeated.
Biden and Harris, at one point or another during the campaign cycle, promised those two things and much, much more, and considering how many times the president elect has muttered the phrase "I've got a plan for that" I have no doubt we are on our way to paradise on Earth.
Even if it only took 47 years.
Then again, chances are it will all revert back to business as usual in Washington, D.C., now that balance in the force has been restored and the emperor has been vanquished.
And a couple of years from now we will all be right back in this spot arguing about who has the best plan to solve all the same old problems we’ve always had.